What can we say? Occupational hazards. Anyway, if you are reading this before drinking, we have some good tips for you. If you are reading this AFTER drinking, you have already left the room to vomit and pass out because computer monitors are bright, flashy things and really suck to stare at with a hangover.

Tip #1: Know your recovery place.

1. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, beats The Roxy for a hangover spot.(click the link, numb nuts). Open any time but Mondays.

Tip#2: make a kit.

1. Get two small ziplock baggies, and using a Sharpie marker, label one "AM" and one "PM."
2. Fill the "PM" bag with a B complex vitamin, some vitamin C pills, a zinc lozenge, two grape seed extract pills, a packet of Alka-Seltzer and a multivitamin. Place this next to a 3/4 full bottle of water (so it does not spill over when you dump the Alka-Seltzer in it) someplace that you will find it before passing out.
3. Fill the "AM" bag with a No-Doz pill, a B-complex vitamin, a multivitamin, a zinc lozenge, a packet of Emergen-C, a packet of Alka-Seltzer, two Ginseng pills, a sudaphed pill and two grape seed extract pills. Place next to two 3/4 full water bottles (one for Emergen-C and one for Alka-Seltzer) by your alarm clock.
4. Set the alarm clock for an hour before you have to get up.
5. Set second alarm clock across room from where you sleep, for the time you actually have to get up.
6. Consume "PM" stuff before passing out.
7. Consume ALL "AM" stuff when first alarm goes off, then pass back out.
8. Wake up happy and refreshed when second alarm goes off.
9. Realize you don't have to work today, and curse at self for bothering to wake up.

Tip #3: Hair of the Dog

1. Beer cans can be placed in a small cooler next to the bed for maximum effectiveness. Will not interfere with Tip #2 unless you have a wuss stomach.
2. Bloody Marys have vitamins and stuff. Make them BEFORE you get drunk, and nothing is worse than a Bloody Mary mixed by a hungover person. We are absolutely not shitting you about this, seriously, THINK OF TEH CHIIILLLLLDREN! Or, at least, think of the gross ways you can molest a drink that is essentially the cast-offs of various hot dop toppings.
3. Not wine. NOT WINE. No. Seriously, don't screw with us on this one; weI know what we're talking about.
4. Two raw eggs, a shot of Tabasco and a shot of Vodka, poured into a glass and not mixed, pepper on top. Down in single gulp. This works great as it will give you all the energy you need to run to the toilet and puke your guts out, then hobble weakly to The Roxy, which is where you should have been in the first place, moron.

Tip #4: Sex

1. In your drunkproofing kit, among other things, should be one of those one-shot toothbrushes that fold up paper thin. Use it.
2. Condoms too. Think about the state of your bloodstream today, do you really want to pass along the shattered DNA that is currently limping around your nether regions? Wait a while. 15 years or so should do it.
3. Accept the fact that you may damn well not know the name of the person you wake up with. This is likely true for them as well, but don't take the risk. Stick to nicknames or vague pronouns until you get a glance at their ID.
4. If their ID has a date of birth that makes you realize you may be going to jail, tell whoever it is (and their parents, if they catch you as you sneak out the window) that your name is Aaron Highfill. He deserves a few dozen paternity suits and some time in the courtroom trying to explain himself to the judge.
5. Don't forget that we have a divorce lawyer page. Depending on circumstances, you may need it.

Tip#5 - Those little pills they sell on late-night infomercials that say they cure hangovers

1. They don't
2. They really don't. Those people lie.
3. Man, we hate those people.