Over the years, many of you have emailed us. Some of those emails were not death threats or shrill, whiny complaints about how little pub crawling we do within a ten-food radius of your house. Those questions will be put here once the staff gets drunk enough to read them without crying.
-How much does it cost to participate in a Drunken Rampage?
We are not a business; we are a bunch of ill-mannered drunkards who want to be surrounded by other ill-mannered drunkards in case the police are told to go arrest "that one ill-mannered drunkard." You are not our customers; you are our human shields. We don't charge you a damn thing, and the bars we visit have to agree to not charge cover or we tell them to go blow themselves (and give them useful advice on how much to work the shaft and the pros/cons of cupping the balls while doing so).
With that in mind, you should tip the staff at these bars at least double what you normally tip (and if you don't normally tip at least 15% or a dollar per drink, you are an embarassment to the human race and you should use all the money you have saved short-changing service staff over the years to get a vasectomy or something). These folks, they commute all the way in to work to papmer our spoiled asses for the 45 minutes or so that we are there and then we vanish. Some times that just means they go to work early, but other times it means they are opening their bar 7 hours before their normal crowd gets there and spend the time after we leave with their thumb up their ass losing money.
We also accept donations. Toss your spare change in the black angled donation tube on top of our cart so we can buy prizes and stuff for the next Drunken Rampage. It's totally voluntary, and if you can't afford to throw in more than a penny, that's cool. Really, your karma is going to be fine. If you get to the Rampage in your Ferrarri though, we better see you toss in a few twenties or we will do whatever sounds like fun after 12 hours of drinking.
-Why costumes? Why not just wear club clothes and look hot?
Well, for starters, if you don't think costumes are hot, or at least fun, you will not enjoy our events. Really, save yourself the bother and do one of the other thousand+ things that are fun in this town. Go to http://pdxpipeline.com for a pretty damn good list of fun stuff to do that does not always involve costumes.
Secondly, we have actual deep reasons for our costume events. All our costumes can be tossed together for ten bucks or less from a visit to a thrift store, which means the millionaires and the unemployed barristas start off on equal footing. Do you care what income the person you are hanging out with has? Neither do we, so we eliminated the main ways people flaunt wealth or wallow in poverty: cars (we walk everywhere) and clothes.
Lastly, people CHANGE when they are in costume. The straight-laced accountant puts on a Pirate suit and suddenly stops caring about being normal for a few hours. Stone-cold sober (a condition we discourage) people will often cut loose for the first time in years when they are surrounded by two hundred people all dressed exactly like them. The military uses this psychology, toga parties use this psychology, masquerade balls use this psychology, LARPers, Renn Faires, dinner theatre murder mysteries . . . it works.
Plus, the bus ride home the next day if you happen to not make it home that night is fun to explain.
-Do you ever do charity work? Public benefits? Anything other than be self-obsessed sociopaths with no social concience?
No, not really, with one exception. And we only do that because they let us dress up as superheroes. The rest of the time? We are a pox on society that should be locked up behind a glass wall while we fling poo at passers-by.
-What's your political stance? Can you be booked to entertain people at [my candidate's] public appearances?
If you had enough free time and Xanax to sit through the rant on costuming, you should already know this. We don't want to divide our people into the "smart" party and the "dumbasses who will destroy our country" party, we don't support your candidate and we are opposed to any law that does not involve the phrase "soaking wet weasel" in the first paragraph of the proposed bill. We are drunks, who wear costumes, and rampage around. That is the entire extent of our political philosophy as a group.
With that said, we will stay out of your politics as long as your politics stay out of our drinks. On the very rare occasions that there is a political issue that directly and solely deals with wearing costumes, drinking or wandering around we will get annoyed and urinate on the appropriate party.
-Why are all your events downtown, and usually at the same bars?
Well, our events are what happen between the bars. The bars are refueling stops for us, but I see what you mean. The basic reason is that our events tend to be at about 2 - 5 times the capacity of a charter bus (which we can't afford without charging admission, and fuck that), so we need places that are all in walking distance. There are not a lot of those.
On top of that, our crowds typically hit the 180 person level at some point in the day, sometimes going as high as 500 people (at which point the staff runs away, puts on disguises and pretends to know nothing about it). There really just are not a lot of bars that can fit us. If you are a bar and feel you are getting the short end of the stick by not being included on our routes, e-mail us.
-My little snoogums just wuvs pirates, can you all stop what you are doing for ten minutes while we try to make him giggle and you pose like trained monkeys for our ammusement? It would mean so much to my little precious!
Are you buying the next round? You will find the answers are remarkably identical, withe the main difference being that our version includes a lot more swearing.
-Are you just ripping off other people's ideas?
-Wait, really? You admit it, just like that?
Sure, why not? Alter Egoes was created by a bunch of people who had never heard of us (but we asked them nicely before ripping them off, and bought them many drinks to compensate). Plunderathon was just a flat-out ripoff os Cacophony's Santacon (back before it grew to the monstrostity it is now), Zomiewalk: Dead in the Pearl was a ripoff of (obviously) Zombiewalk, and all the stuff we did for the Portland Erotic Ball is the idea of, the Portland Erotic Ball (and yes, participants pay to get in there, just not Drunken Rampage participants). Hell, our Leo Party is just an excuse to watch a meteor shower while shooting roman candles at each other. Half the rampages (see, lower case means it ain't ours. Clever, huh?) we do are just ideas we stole from watching too much British TV while drinking cough syrup. You want originality? Read old books. We're hacks.
-How many of you are there?
If we told you that, you would know how many subpoenas to write. Let's just say it varries depending on the event, anywhere from 6-25 unpaid volunteers and no paid management staff at all.
-Have you ever been sued?
Lots of threats, but I suspect the conversation with the lawyers went something like this:
(client) - So, I was wearing a space alien costume and had been drinking for ten hours straight, and the volunteers who were putting on the free event for me were mean to me and called me names.
(Lawyer) - This is why I have a pit bull in my office trained to bite testicles. Get out.
-So, you don't get paid, do you own stock in these bars or anything? Get kickbacks? A cut of the profits?
Nope, but hey, bar owners- you should try bribing us. It works. Really, we are as corrupt as (ok, I promised I would not make political jokes here, so just assume I am referencing whichever politician you most hate). Bribe us, and we will bring you a few hundred customers as long as we don't have to force-march them to Gresham or other such inhospitable places.
As for kickbacks,we recently started putting "free cheapass booze for the volunteers" in our list of things we ask for when setting up a venue. If a bar is too cheap to toss a half-dozen well drinks at the people who just did all the publicity, logistics and gruntwork to bring them a few hundred customers as well as entertain them, well, fuck 'em, we'll go somewhere else.
Most of the time, actually. This is a new trend, and we are loving it.
-So what's in it for you? This all seems like a hell of a lot of work.
It is, but a) we are all clinically insane, b) we keep hoping that somehow, some day, all this work will pay off and we will get laid as a result, and c) we have hillariously inaccurate perceptions of what exactly it takes to get laid.