47 years ago, the Prates were raidin' Portland in their normal fashion, swillin' rum and fornicatin' in plain sight all over the place, when two young militiamen (Hank and Dean were their names) tried to improve their sorry lot in life by sneak-attacking the Pirates. They assumed their commander, Thaddeus T. Venture, would promote them if they were victorious against the Pirate hordes.
At the hour of noonish, the militiamen snuck through the streets of the city where We Pirates were alertly sleeping off the previous night's rum. We Pirates were securely arranged in heaps on various strategic sidewalks and park benches and had prepared for any eventuality by remembering to pick up at least some of our clothing before passing out. The militiamen didn't stand a chance.
They sprung their cowardly attack by using horse-drawn cannons to fire grapeshot down Burnside St, where the majority of the Pirate crew was located. As the pellets of rough-cut lead tore through our cunningly placed torsos, the militiamen realized how much trouble they were in. Ah, to have been there that fine day and see the look of sheer terror on the militiamen's faces as We Pirates snored menacingly while cunningly bleeding all over the pavement.
The militiamen then spurred their horse-drawn cannons around the corner to the place Mary's Strip Club now stands, and was overwhelmed by the dozens of bleary-eyed Pirates that were lying prone, guarding the door to the club. As the now-frightened militiamen lined up the cannon for another shot, knowing it was a futile effort and they were doomed to fail, they slipped on the blood of Pirate Wench Third Class Carlene the Red, landed on the hoof of one of the horses and spooked it. The horse ran to the left, smelled the stench of the unwashed Pirates, and dropped dead on the spot, knocking over the still-lit cannon. The resulting explosion killed both militiamen and seventeen Pirates.
This crushing defeat of the militia, at a cost of only 142 Pirate lives, is just another example of the proud and unbending history of the Infernal Order of Pirates, Buccaneers, Scallywags, Privateers and Grocery Store Clerks. But due to the bravery of the militiamen, We Pirates decided to name one of our fiercest ships after them.
The H.M.S. HankandDean was almost commissioned after several days' delay (the first 92 bottles of rum having been drank before anyone was able to break them over the ship's bow), when everyone noticed the name was really lame. We Pirates decided to name the ship after their commander instead.
Sincerely and drunkenly submitted,
-Dave The Horrible
Chief Historian and Owner of a Strange Cat
more:
Pirates go underground!
Poop-flinging Monkey saves the day!
Where did our (current) historian come from?
Where is the Pirate Captain?
Flagship named in honor of Militia Commander?!?
Bare Asses of the Isle of Sauvie
Photos and blogs from the most recent Plunderathon! |
-
-
-
Size:####
Route:####
Meeting place:#######
Time/Date:######
Special Costs:#######
Event coordinator: #######
Sponsors (We can't afford to do this crap without them, so toss 'em yer business, or next year ye will be havin' to fork over more dobloons fer' the plunderin!):
Portland-based Pirate supply store online. Yar!
Porn shop, donating lots of our prizes. Win a contest and see!
Also a porn shop, donating lots of our cannon ammo and pinata stuffings. Oh yes, cannon and pinata adult supplies!
Awesome downtown adult store that donates prizes, gives us much-needed advice, and helps us spread experiences without diseases.
Donating Pirate supplies, such as "Occular Improvement Devices" (eyepatches) and "Haberdasharial Enhancement Items (hats)"
For last-minute updates, you really should join our mailing list. We are not great at keeping it up, but we do send out alerts when a great event is dropped in our lap, as well as monthly-ish updates.
-
Side Rampages: We try to be good between Rampages, we really do . . . ok, no we don't.
Recommended for ###### is:
- ###########
- ###########
- ###########
- ###########
- ###########
|
