Yarrrr, me be remindin' you scalawags of a call to arms! The forces of good and righteous citizens of this fair town have mustered together to deprive me of telephone access in the hopes that the hordes of Pirates will be without their historian!

Well fear not, me hearties! This lack of telemarketing merely gives me time to do more historical research into the long and vast history of the Portland Pirates!

For instance, did you know that as recently as 1987, Pirates in this area still used trained attack monkeys? These beasts were originally brought on board as pets, and then taught to do small chores like fetching and cleaning. Then one murky evening in the late 1800's (the exact date has been lost in the archives), Pirates raided the armory on NW 10th st in the Pearl District. Unbeknownst to the Pirates, the town militia had got wind of the raid and staged an ambush. The band of Pirates, numbering only twenty, found themselves facing nearly 300 armed townsmen!

The battle was swift, with most Pirates being shot or captured in the first minutes, and things looked grim. Then one Pirate's pet monkey, Senor Pantalones, threw his feces at the commander of the militia, Major J. T. Square. This lucky throw lodged a turd in Square's nose, causing him to suffocate on the field of battle. This so demoralized the townsmen than the pirates were able to escape with their lives, a small amount of stoled weapons and several casks of Ale from a delivery wagon that happened to be nearby. From this day forth, monkeys were a common weapon used by Pirates in the Pacific NW.

The town decided to name a major landmark after Maj. Square, and chose a rectangular piece of land next to the Pioneer Courthouse.

The Pirates celebrated in typical Pirate fashion, and gave Senior Pantalones a reward of a nice juicy apple. Later in the evening, they got drunk and barbecued him.

more:

Pirates go underground!

Poop-flinging Monkey saves the day!

Where did our (current) historian come from?

Where is the Pirate Captain?

Flagship named in honor of Militia Commander?!?

Bare Asses of the Isle of Sauvie

Photos and blogs from the most recent Plunderathon!