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  Oh no, SANTACON is our next scheduled Rampage!

Ya wanna know about the other ones? Really? Sign up for our newsletter, and if we are somewhat sober when we are roped into them, we will let you know. (disclaimer: most unannounced Rampages are of dubious legality and often will require flat-out briberty to get us to give you info. We are not even remotely incorruptable.)

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Hey! This crap costs money! Well, not the board, that's free, but the website hosting and name registration costs money, the cards and maps we print, the mailings to bar owners, bail. . . . point is, send us a couple bucks if you have the inclination. We will very likely apply your donation to website expenses or event expenses and NOT blow it on booze. Ok, somewhat likely.

 
Santacon

November's Rampage

January's Rampage


Ok, for starters, this is an event that Drunken Rampage always attends, but it ain't ours. It was created by some truly sick individuals in San Francisco almost 20 years ago, so blame them. It is run by the Portland Cacophony Society, and their ilk. In prior years DR has helped coordinate some of this, but we are still recovering from our Guy Fawkes' Day burns, so we are taking the year off.

It should be noted here that there is no reason to e-mail Drunken Rampage asking for further details, as Santa has threatened us with the worst possible punishment (sobriety) if we give out any details. Since we are notoriously unreliable and corrupt, most of our staff have simply elected to avoid hearing any details at all, and thus remove the temptation. The only DR staffmember who knows any of the so-called "secret details" is staunchly refusing to divulge them unless he is significantly bribed (and he has a rather lengthy diatribe outlining exactly what he considers "significantly bribed" to mean. )Suffice to say, "I'll make it worth your while" ain't gonna cut it; he wants specific details of cash, booze or sexual favors, and demands payment upfront. As far as I know, only one person has managed to get him to talk so far.

Details from below are from the portland.cacophony.org website. This year, go there for up-to-the-minute updates.

This year, it is on the 6th, at noon, at the last stop on the MAX line in Hillsboro.

And we ain't taking responsability. Taking the month off to study Sanskrit in a mud hut thee hundred million miles away. We got nothing to do with this and you can prove nothing, so don't even fucking try to blame us for the various STDs, stolen livestock, court cases, atomic wars and exploding turduckens. If you see us there, we will pretend to be Balky from "Perfect Strangers." We won't admit to being there. We will be in, uh, some other place. With nuns.

Tasty, tasty nuns. . .

Anyway, just keep to the Four Fucks of Santacon. No matter what.

What follows this line is the page from just after the 2007 Santacon. We will clean up this page as time goes on.

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I, the web guy, was kidnapped by some Santas who somehow came into possession of an airport shuttle bus. . . I don't want to know how. There were (depending on who did the counting and if they counted red suits only, or the entire crowd of hangers-on) anywhere from 900-1200 people by 8pm. The Easter Bunny and some other holidays were crucified, fruitcake was launched, MY BUG SPRAYER FULL OF VODKA was lost (e-mail me through the contacts page if you find it) and many, many Santas were thrown in jail and the drunk tank.

No, really.

Here are some photos. Now piss off for antother year. . .

2007 PDX Santacon highlights (some unconfirmed)

  • Santa went to play indoor mini golf
  • Santa went to the church of scientology
  • Santa went to Mayor Potter's house to sing carols
  • Santa went to the scary bathrooms across from Cabaret and filled one up, then screamed for help. When help arrived they claimed they got lost in there and could not find the door. Help was a cop. The cop was amused.
  • Santa went to the hospital to sing carols to the emergency room.
  • Santa went to forrest park to frolic in the woods
  • There was a Brist held for the Easter Bunny upstairs at the Greek place.
  • Security guard desparately asking "I need to speak to the organizers of this! - who's the organizer of this?" as Santa used his building as a turnstile for counting purposes.
  • Comment overheard on SantaFull MAX line...Mother talking to 5 year old child "Do you rmember all the Santas we saw last year?" Kids reply "I keep trying to forget."
  • The next level of evolution for santa. . . I see five-dicked beastly creatures with no sense of smell and a thick coating of insulating fur roaming unchecked across the valley preying on weaker species. Omnivorous by nature with vaguely simian features mutated through generation after generation of venerial disease-ridden hasty and unplanned mating in alleyways. These creatures will have a high tolerance bordering on total immunity for any form of intoxcating substance, very poor vision and no gag reflex. Gestation for new generations of Santii will be just shy of 12 months, with the young staggering on their own shortly after birth just like various bovine creatures. The species will evolve to be born with gray hair so as to not need photo ID. Still mamillian, the mothers will breastfeed their offspring, but the milk will be about 70 proof and competition among Santas will lead to weaker offspring not getting nourishment as Santas ranging from age 1 to 22 will be competing for the breasts. Average lifespan will be dialed back from the mid-70s to something about . . . age 22.
  • Santas went to Mary's anyway cause it's tradition dammit.
  • santa has been banned from Spartacus for over 4 years
  • Hanukkah Harry's blue-and-white Santa cell led an operation that Mossad would envy! Menorah topped vehicles parading through the Pearl abducted Santa along the way. In an undisclosed location, Santa danced the Hora while passing the Manischevitz bottle and noshing on latkas and rugelah till dawn. The dreidel wasn't the only thing that was spinning, I tell you what!
  • Santa made it to the 3rd floor of Nordstoms before security escorted a few santas to the door
  • The security guard was actually the coolest ever encountered during a Santa outing. He was an older guy and simply requested that the blow-up doll be lowered from Santa's shoulders for safety reasons. Then, with a twinkle in his eye, he said, "Remember rule number three."

 

 

SANTACON is honestly the largest event of the year. It is put on by the Portland Cacophony Society and occurs worldwide. Portland's caco society had Santacon for the first time in 1996, and was promptly in trouble with the cops. Just like the original Santas in S.F (which started 17 years ago).

THIS IS A 12-14 HOUR RAMPAGE! PACE YOURSELF!

It is NOT in any way a family friendly, kidsafe pro-christmas thing. No wonder or enlightenment or happy fuzzy memories. We won't gather around singing Kumbaya and helping orphans find loving homes. We may sell the orphans on the black market and eat fuzzy things, but that's about as close as it gets. Don't bring your kids by to "see Santa" or anything like that, or we will call social services on you for being too abysmally stupid to care for any creature above Mollusk in the food chain. Most of us truly hate Xmas and all the moronic drivel that normal people spew out of their yap-holes every day from Thanksgiving onward. Most of the rest of the crowd at best tolerates the holiday. If you are seriously too stupid to get that, your Santacon is in Beaverton. Go there.

Here is the basic info. Go to the main web page for the full story.

Get a santa suit. $15 at Walgreens usually, but buy early as Portland is sort of a "massively insane place full of people who buy these suits by the ton."
Grab your ID and some small bills (credit cards piss EVERYONE off)
Obey the "Four Fucks" of Santacon

  1. Don't fuck with children. This time of year sucks enough for them as it is, no need to make it worse.
  2. Don't fuck with the cops. You are dressed exactly like me, so fucking with the cops may get me in trouble. Get me thrown in jail and I guarantee I will make sure you get cornholed.
  3. Don't fuck with security. They will call the cops. And you will get cornholed.
  4. Don't fuck with Santa.
  5. He will cornhole you in a heartbeat.
Show up at the fountain, at Saturday Market, at noon.
Tell stories about this day for the rest of the year.
Call all other Santas "Santa."
Never wash your Santa suit
repeat.

So get yer Santa suit, yer alibi and a drunkproofing kit (condoms, taxi coupons and a map to your house to hand the taxi driver when you lose the ability so speak, so on) ready.

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Size:Fucking massive. Stay home. No, really.
Route:Link may be posted in the winter
Meeting place:Skidmore Fountain historically
Time/Date:To be announced
Special Costs:Bring $5 bills. ONLY $5 bills. Maybe some $1s for strippers.
Event coordinator: Many, many people who do not want to be identified here. Some of them are still missing.
Tips & Tricks:
Call Multnoman County Sheriff for current bail rates, and put at least twice that amount aside in cash with a friend who you know for a FACT will not be at Santacon.

For last-minute updates, you really should join our mailing list. We are not great at keeping it up, but we do send out alerts when a great event is dropped in our lap, as well as monthly-ish updates.

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Side Rampages: We try to be good between Rampages, we really do . . . ok, no we don't.

Recommended for December, 2008 is:

  • To be announced
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